lonely and desperate

Kirkland McCauley gave his wife an elephant for her birthday. It was not a present she liked or understood, and it made a mess on her carpets. In fact it remained the elephant in the room, the unspoken horror that separated them for the remaining three days of their marriage.

Kirkland bought his present on the Internet. Nowadays it is very easy to be imaginative. Simply look through Google for ‘presents’ and the choice is, virtually unlimited. It ranges from a pampering days to skydiving, having a star named after somebody to buying a set of champagne flutes.

But being imaginative is not enough, as Mrs McCauley was quick to tell her husband of the moment. The miracle of having a mobile phone that meant he could access the Internet, and thereby arrange such transactions as buying an elephant while down the pub with his friends, did not compensate for the inconvenience. And anyway he always knew she never liked grey.

So choosing suitable christmas or birthday presents is an art form requiring a mixture of diplomacy, creativity, sensitivity, and inspiration.

The net can certainly be a help and opens up all sorts of possibilities. But it is not the total answer.

‘Unusual’ is never enough. Being impractical is not enough, although it can help. After all, who likes a practical present - a washing machine, new iron or paint brush?

‘Frivolous’ often helps, as does ‘extravagance’ - or at least the appearance of either or both.

Buying something because you have always wanted one yourself is certainly not the way to go. What wife wants the almost complete set of Charlton Athletic football programmes, 1967 to 1983 - missing only the April 1971 Accrington Stanley game?

Picking something ‘worthwhile’ or that send a message is worse. Time at boot camp rarely does the job.

‘So ‘appropriate’, possibly in a witty way, is the most important gift adjective - but appropriate to the receiver not the giver. The worst that can happen is that the present ’says more’ about the giver’s interests and prejudices than those of the receiver. The best that can happen is that the giver receives in return increased appreciation of his or her thoughtfulness and sensitivity.

Meanwhile Kirkland went back to his job at the zoo a wiser man, and Mrs McCauley was remarried to a big game hunter who always brought her gift sets - and jewellery, and chocolates and only the occasional subscription to Rifles and Telescopic Sights magazine.

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