Whether you did the breaking up or are the one who got broken up with, you’re going to feel the loss. The scale of this loss will be worse the longer you have been together. There is not any way you can expect to NOT feel a loss. The habits that the two of you had will disintegrate whether you like it or not. If your man always called you on his lunch break, if you only bought American cheese as he liked it, or if the two of you mostly went out to brunch on Sunday mornings, you’re going to recognise it. If you are the dumpee, you are not only going to notice these voids, but they are going to hurt. Just like any habit, it stings to damage it… Often a lot!!
Any person who’s been in love knows it’s a fragile emotion. Those sensations of love don’t develop overnite. You had to be prepared to open and let someone in, and that is a big deal. You had to trust, and when that trust is tricked, it’s going to hurt.
When you are the dumpee, the very first thing you are likely to do is blame yourself. Right away you think it’s something you did. You have been refused and No-one likes refusal of any type. So when it’s love, the stakes are higher yet.
In some cases, a break-up wounds as it was built up to something that it wasn’t ready to be. Women tend to do that the most. They rush things along and target the future of the relationship and where it’s going rather than enjoying the moment. When you are choosing honeymoon locations a quarter into a relationship, you’re setting yourself up for disaster… And more severe agony. Putting large expectations where they shouldn’t be is emotionally perilous.
Naomi Eisenberger, a University of California brain specialist found that the sensation of refusal during a break up switches on the same part of the brain as physical discomfort. The anterior cingulate receives an intense boost in activity when a person breaks up with you. As far as your grey matter is concerned, somebody slapping you in the nose is as threatening as being denied in a break up. So the pain your feel in a break-up is involuntary and not something that you can control “if only you were stronger”, or “if only you never trusted him in the first place”. Sure you can shake off a bloody nose and hold your head high, nonetheless it will still hurt.
Maybe one of the unhealthiest reasons a break up hurts is when you depended on him for your own happiness. This might be tough to recognize, but you’re playing with fire if this is correct. Your partner’s presence should accentuate your happiness not provide it. You have to be OK with yourself when you are on your own before you can hope to be happy with another individual. If you aren’t, you are not ready for a relationship in the 1st place, not to mention getting him back. That’s completely okay… But WAIT. Finding yourself in a bounce relationship in the short term is way over-rated. It just complicates things.
Karen Holland is a relationship coach and reporter on subjects like how to get your ex back, and popular relationship-healing manuals like the Ex Recovery System.
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